It’s a strange thing to set your film loose “into the wild” and see it take on a life of its own. It’s even stranger to see it happening around the world. Thus far, the film has released internationally in France, Croatia, CIS (the former Soviet Union), Czech Republic, Hungary, Poland, Slovakia, Turkey and South Korea. Next releases up are Netherlands (4/19) and Iceland (4/28). Most other releases will fall in Summer (Italy on 6/1, Spain on 6/23, Scandinavia in June, Australia on 8/3, UK on 8/18). I’ll keep you posted as new dates are announced… and as I find new ways to say “Red Riding Hood.”

A lot of you have been asking when the DVD of my movie is coming out. From what I’ve been told, it hits the stores May 2nd. And it will have a lot of great extras on it. There is a commentary from myself and my two Co-Directors, Todd Edwards and Tony Leech, and several deleted scenes. We even have some painfully crude looking “reference movies” of me and the crew performing as the characters. The best feature is the half-hour behind the scenes documentary, which has ten more minutes added since it aired on TV.

Start hassling your video stores now, or go to AMAZON and reserve your copy today!!!!!

(And for pete’s sake, get the WIDE SCREEN.)
Commercial over, you may resume your regular blog reading.

When glancing through “Variety” for the first time, it’s easy to get lost. That’s because this industry is self-absorbed enough to have created its own vocabulary. See if you are entertainment-saavy enough to read the following article as if it were plain English (Call it my Hollywood Trades Obstacle Course):

HOT SHOT SPOTS SLOT FOR BIG SHOT SHOOT
“Former Mouse House prexy ankles shingle to pen laffer. Paired with talker topper at the Eye, scribe may ink a deal to helm pic for Par, with preem set for summer. Auds have warmed to duo’s frosh skein and smash mini which bowed on the peacock last fall. Web has already inked hoofer pic and mid-season laffer, to be penned by net thesp-turned scribe. New project puts hot helmer’s indie shingle at U. Oz thesp Heath Ledger is tapped to top, unless Lion nabs star for tuner. If helmer/scribe woos aussie, Oscar noms and big BO at bow could be expected. Then it’s only a matter of time before this boffo BO phenom gets to make his labor of love, the epic scream-laffer-hoofer-tuner-tragicomic-dramedy, with docu-talker-reality featurette on DVD. Director is repped by UTA, CAA, and sings BGV’s for R.E.M..”

Laugh if you must, but the madness must be stopped. Please, if you are a member of the hype machine, use real words that are in the dictionary.

For those of you lost in the above story, I’ve included a small glossary of terms, below.

LAFFER: A comedy show that makes you laff.
HOOFER: Dance movie. Very flattering to dancers.
TALKER: Talk show.
TUNER: Musical. “Canned Tuner” would be a cancelled musical, not fish product.
OATER: Western. Referring to a comical western, one might ask, “What’s that funny oater?”
SKEIN: TV series. If you know how this is pronounced, please email me. No one I ask seems to know.
MINI: Miniseries. Mini Skein is unacceptable.
PIC: Picture or movie. When plural, use “PIX”, as taking the time to spell “PICS” would be inefficient.
PREXY: President. Sexy Prexy: Hot President.
TOPPER: CEO or Lead actor. “Copper Topper” still refers to Duracell, not tanned movie star.
HELMER: Director. God help any directors named Elmer, as Variety would have a field day.
SCRIBE: Writer. Makes sense.
THESP: Actor. Harder to say than “actor”, also sounds like you’re lisping.
AUDS: Audiences; “The people in ‘Fly Over Country'”, or the people you WORK for.
PEN: Write. While you cannot “pencil a script,” an exec must still “pencil you in” for a meeting.
ANKLE: Leave a company. Still can’t figure this one out.
TAPPED: To be offered a position at a company. You can still call “not it” when tapped.
INK A DEAL: Sign a deal. If you are “penning your deal” for “inking a script”, you’re doing it wrong.
SHINGLE: Company. Swinging shingle: wife-swapping company.
NET: Network
WEB: Also a network. Don’t ask why a website is not called a web. You’ll just get laughed at.
PUBCASTER: Public Broadcasting channel.
PREEM: Premiere. Preemie Preem: Premiering a film about premature babies.
BOW: Premiere. I’ve actually seen the headline “Bow Wows Auds.” No joke.
NOM: Nomination
B.O.: Box Office. Do not say “Who’s got the strong B.O.?” anywhere but in Hollywood.
OZ: Australia. This seems like a stretch to me.
MOUSE HOUSE: Disney. Isn’t that cute?
PAR: Paramount (TV or Studio). Except in golf.
U: Universal. The laziest nickname so far.
LION: MGM
FROG: WB
PEACOCK: NBC
EYE: CBS… see the pattern?
ALPHABET: ABC… which is infinitely easier to say or write than “alphabet”.
TENPERCENTARY: Agency. This kills me. Absolutely kills me.

Now if you are really lazy, here is the same paragraph, written in the English that God gave us:

“A former executive at Disney left to write a comedy with a guy who produces talk shows at CBS. He may also direct a film for Paramount, released this summer. Audiences loved the first series and hit miniseries created by the two men, which aired on NBC last fall. They’ve already signed with the network to make a dance movie and mid-season comedy, written with an NBC star. A new project puts the director’s independent company at Universal. Australian actor Heath Ledger will star, unless MGM gets him to do a musical. If the director gets Ledger, an Oscar nomination and big box office could be expected. Then it’s only a matter of time before this hot filmmaker gets to make his labor of love, the epic horror-comedy-dance-musical-bittersweet-funny drama, with a documentary-talk show-short included on the DVD. The director is repped by big talent agents and sings backup for Michael Stipe’s band.”

Every day, the staff at Variety finds new ridiculous ways to say the simplest things. I guess that’s why they call it “Variety.”

(Photo by JC Dhien for Cine Live Magazine)

PART THREE: CREDITS HAVE FEELINGS, TOO

When the film is over, the credits roll. Many people see this part of the film as unnecessary, or just music to walk out of the theater to. There are even SOME cheap theaters who think they are so unnecessary that they shut the projector off in the middle of them. Blasphemy!

I challenge you to expand your horizons and, just once, stay and read some of the names that roll by. In one respect, it helps an audience member appreciate the work that went into what they’ve just seen, and to honor the people that took part in it. In another way, it can help you to understand the movie a little more. Many people say to me, “Oh, the credits are just for you film guys. I don’t know what a Best Boy is, and I don’t care.” But don’t cut your movie appreciation so short.

There are so many ways you can learn about the film by watching the credits. See how many stuntmen there were. If there’s only two and it’s an action picture, you might think, “Gee, those two guys pulled off everything.” Look at the locations listed. “Honey, look—they shot this in three different countries, even though it was all supposed to be in one city.” Were there any special makeup or mechanical effects used that you didn’t realize? Was the film based on a book? Did one of the stars help write or produce? Or did they sing their own songs or do their own stunts? There are many new levels of understanding that even the common ticket buyer can glean from this new attention. Try it sometime, and feel a little more in tune with the filmmakers who just entertained you.

I’ll admit I am more of a movie geek than most. But my hope is that audiences achieve a greater appreciation for the medium. Films are more than popcorn flicks—they are a wonderful, powerful and expressive art form. I hope at your next trip to the movies, you’ll hang around for the big words crawling across the screen to complete the experience.

And as far as what a Best Boy is, he is the bestest boy in the whole wide world and that is why he won that prize.

PART TWO: SIT DOWN, STAY A WHILE

One of my real concerns on this topic is the shortening attention span of the public. Try to show up for the movie before it starts, and stay until it ends. Just a concept. So many folks are so focused on getting to the parking lot before everyone else that they miss the finishing touches on a film. I’ve noticed that we’ve all become very sophisticated in our knowledge of cinema techniques, whether we realize it or not. We have been trained by all media to know when the film is ending. The scene pulls out to a wide shot, the music flourishes, the camera tilts to the sky, and… “Grab your coats, kids, we’re leavin’!” The family has made it to the exit before the first credit rolls.

I guess you people are smart enough to spot the end of a film before it happens. But be warned—many films are now fooling audiences with extra scenes past their expected “big finish”, even running epilogue scenes under the credits. So stay! Remember, you paid ten bucks for this, so at least get your money’s worth. You will enjoy yourself so much more if you treat a movie like an experience to be absorbed, rather than a way to occupy your brain for two hours.

And here’s another idea: go to the bathroom before the movie. If you’re an adult and your bladder can’t last two hours, plan ahead. Don’t sit in the middle of the row. And get that checked out, for pete’s sake.

PART ONE: SHUT UP, ALREADY

I have to be honest. There are a lot of folks out there who don’t really understand what movies are all about, or the best way to watch them. Since I have a blog, I thought I’d rant and rave about it. The first target in my sights is Mr. Talky McTalkster. You know who you are. And you’ve got a phone you like to talk on too, right? What are you, a heart surgeon? You can’t be unreachable for 90 minutes? But I digress from the larger issue…

Audiences have lost respect for their entertainment, and the decorum of simply being an audience. Way back when live theater was the main attraction, there was strict etiquette to respect the live performers on stage. People could only enter and exit at certain times, they stayed seated until the final curtain, and never talked above a whisper, if at all. After the age of television, we all got used to talking back to our entertainment in the privacy of our own homes. We could even cut the show off midway, change channels, or wander into the kitchen. Unfortunately, this same mentality seems to have been brought into the movie theater. But guess what? I’m sitting in there too. And me no likey.

Remember: A movie theater is not your living room. If you want to talk about everything you see, wait for the home rental. And I swear by Zeus’ beard, if you people with the “Mexican Hat Dance” for a ring tone don’t stop answering your phone in the middle of a movie, I will start throwing shoes at you. Look around you at all the people who paid ten dollars. You’re being selfish when you do that.

If you know what I’m talking about and you’ve ever been bugged by talkative people near you, it’s okay to shush them! The rest of the audience will probably thank you. Rise up, oh shushers! We shall overcome.

You may think I say these things because I am a filmmaker, but I am also a lover of film. And with a little courtesy towards others in the theater, I hope other people can learn to love the movies half as much as I do.

(Photo by ANDREA AKINS)