When glancing through “Variety” for the first time, it’s easy to get lost. That’s because this industry is self-absorbed enough to have created its own vocabulary. See if you are entertainment-saavy enough to read the following article as if it were plain English (Call it my Hollywood Trades Obstacle Course):

HOT SHOT SPOTS SLOT FOR BIG SHOT SHOOT
“Former Mouse House prexy ankles shingle to pen laffer. Paired with talker topper at the Eye, scribe may ink a deal to helm pic for Par, with preem set for summer. Auds have warmed to duo’s frosh skein and smash mini which bowed on the peacock last fall. Web has already inked hoofer pic and mid-season laffer, to be penned by net thesp-turned scribe. New project puts hot helmer’s indie shingle at U. Oz thesp Heath Ledger is tapped to top, unless Lion nabs star for tuner. If helmer/scribe woos aussie, Oscar noms and big BO at bow could be expected. Then it’s only a matter of time before this boffo BO phenom gets to make his labor of love, the epic scream-laffer-hoofer-tuner-tragicomic-dramedy, with docu-talker-reality featurette on DVD. Director is repped by UTA, CAA, and sings BGV’s for R.E.M..”

Laugh if you must, but the madness must be stopped. Please, if you are a member of the hype machine, use real words that are in the dictionary.

For those of you lost in the above story, I’ve included a small glossary of terms, below.

LAFFER: A comedy show that makes you laff.
HOOFER: Dance movie. Very flattering to dancers.
TALKER: Talk show.
TUNER: Musical. “Canned Tuner” would be a cancelled musical, not fish product.
OATER: Western. Referring to a comical western, one might ask, “What’s that funny oater?”
SKEIN: TV series. If you know how this is pronounced, please email me. No one I ask seems to know.
MINI: Miniseries. Mini Skein is unacceptable.
PIC: Picture or movie. When plural, use “PIX”, as taking the time to spell “PICS” would be inefficient.
PREXY: President. Sexy Prexy: Hot President.
TOPPER: CEO or Lead actor. “Copper Topper” still refers to Duracell, not tanned movie star.
HELMER: Director. God help any directors named Elmer, as Variety would have a field day.
SCRIBE: Writer. Makes sense.
THESP: Actor. Harder to say than “actor”, also sounds like you’re lisping.
AUDS: Audiences; “The people in ‘Fly Over Country'”, or the people you WORK for.
PEN: Write. While you cannot “pencil a script,” an exec must still “pencil you in” for a meeting.
ANKLE: Leave a company. Still can’t figure this one out.
TAPPED: To be offered a position at a company. You can still call “not it” when tapped.
INK A DEAL: Sign a deal. If you are “penning your deal” for “inking a script”, you’re doing it wrong.
SHINGLE: Company. Swinging shingle: wife-swapping company.
NET: Network
WEB: Also a network. Don’t ask why a website is not called a web. You’ll just get laughed at.
PUBCASTER: Public Broadcasting channel.
PREEM: Premiere. Preemie Preem: Premiering a film about premature babies.
BOW: Premiere. I’ve actually seen the headline “Bow Wows Auds.” No joke.
NOM: Nomination
B.O.: Box Office. Do not say “Who’s got the strong B.O.?” anywhere but in Hollywood.
OZ: Australia. This seems like a stretch to me.
MOUSE HOUSE: Disney. Isn’t that cute?
PAR: Paramount (TV or Studio). Except in golf.
U: Universal. The laziest nickname so far.
LION: MGM
FROG: WB
PEACOCK: NBC
EYE: CBS… see the pattern?
ALPHABET: ABC… which is infinitely easier to say or write than “alphabet”.
TENPERCENTARY: Agency. This kills me. Absolutely kills me.

Now if you are really lazy, here is the same paragraph, written in the English that God gave us:

“A former executive at Disney left to write a comedy with a guy who produces talk shows at CBS. He may also direct a film for Paramount, released this summer. Audiences loved the first series and hit miniseries created by the two men, which aired on NBC last fall. They’ve already signed with the network to make a dance movie and mid-season comedy, written with an NBC star. A new project puts the director’s independent company at Universal. Australian actor Heath Ledger will star, unless MGM gets him to do a musical. If the director gets Ledger, an Oscar nomination and big box office could be expected. Then it’s only a matter of time before this hot filmmaker gets to make his labor of love, the epic horror-comedy-dance-musical-bittersweet-funny drama, with a documentary-talk show-short included on the DVD. The director is repped by big talent agents and sings backup for Michael Stipe’s band.”

Every day, the staff at Variety finds new ridiculous ways to say the simplest things. I guess that’s why they call it “Variety.”

(Photo by JC Dhien for Cine Live Magazine)